RIGHTS OF WIVES

A disciple, who was abut to get married, asked Hazrat how to make sure that the wife's rights are fulfilled and how to achieve moderation اعتدال in that. Hazrat said, "You know the main principles anyway. The details are different in each case and one can learn about them only when one gets into those practical situations. However, I can tell you a few main principles which are;

• "One should not keep criticising one's wife all the time so that you criticise her about something, then five minutes later you criticise her about something else, then ten minutes later about something else. Just stay quiet at that time. One day when you think the time is right sit down with her alone and tell her gently about the better way of doing things. Then over the next while keep noticing what has changed and what hasn't. Then another day again sit down with her alone and then gently tell her about what's still remaining. InshaAllah things will gradually improve this way."

• Hazrat then said, "A very bad habit has developed in our culture which is called taunting or making indirect critical remarks. e.g. you are talking to someone else but indirectly made a comment about your wife so that she knows you are criticising her, or while talking to someone else just make a comment to your wife that 'at that time you had also done something like this.' This habit is poisonous and should be avoided completely. Whatever you want to say to her you should say it directly and only do it when no one else is around. Don't indirectly criticise her while talking to others. This creates long-term bad feelings."

• "One should try to keep a balance between one's wife's and mother's rights. You have to understand while it is your duty and obligation to serve your mother's needs, your wife is not obligated under Sharia to serve your mother. She should, out of her own free will,  help you mother because it will bring her Thawab (reward) from Allah SWT, and it will make you happy and she should be making you happy, but one should not make one's wife subservient to one's mother."

• Hazrat further said, "the relationship between husband and wife is a unique one. It is a relationship of friendship and love, as well as a relationship where one person is in charge and the other one is a follower, and a husband must try to balance both these aspects of the relationship. Neither should the husband become such a dictator that his wife and children get scared every time he enters the home, nor should he becomes so smitten in love that he loses all his dignity."

• "Husband should retain some dignity and respect in this relationship. For example, it is a matter of thawab (reward) to create humour to make someone happy, but he shouldn't become so preoccupied with it that he ends up being a joker. Similarly, as it happens between friends that one slaps the other as a joke, he starts thinking that wife is also a friend. If she slapped me what difference does it make. That sort of informality is not good for the longterm."

• Hazrat said, "The initial days after the marriage are the most critical one. These are the days which may lead to a relationship being well-formed, or deformed. Once this relationship is formed in the initial days it is very difficult to change it significantly later on. In the initial days it is a very emotional relationship but it is important to keep one's reason about in those days. For example, if the couple gets into a habit of spending lavishly without considering how one would support this habit in the longer term, then it would be very painful to reduce the expenditure later on. That is why it is important to keep this relationship on the right track, right form the beginning."